What Exactly is the Meaning of "Do Your Work?"
How seeking out expert help can prevent you from making progress.
In therapy, you’ll often read posts from therapists or hear from therapists of social media who advocate that you do your work. This phrase is actually a very important way of looking at making progress or changes in your life. At the same time, it’s also very confusing. After all, you are seeking out the help of a therapist… right? If you’re paying for a service, it makes sense that you would want that professional to have answers.
Now I’m not going to tell you that therapists should somehow lack skill. That would be silly. So, what would it mean if a therapist was telling you that you needed to do your work? It really comes down to making time for yourself and practicing what has been missing in the equation.
The practice that you have to put in may surprise you. For example, people often think that change is real linear and that it’s very cut and dry. I believe that this comes from the medicalization of the mental health field. The idea that you can solve a problem by getting rid of the problem. In therapy, the problem is usually the symptom. In my practice, this is usually a relational, sexual, emotional, or behavioral problem. In other words, when people come in to see me, they want to feel, perform, or behave better, or they just want to re-establish a connection.
Then there can be a dilemma. I can’t make anyone feel better. Obviously, people often feel cathartic (or temporarily better) when they have someone who they trust who they can share their feelings too. But is catharsis itself an actual life change? Catharsis doesn’t really harm anything, but it also doesn’t make for long-lasting change either.
What Do You Want From Your Life?
It seems easy to identify what you want doesn’t it? The most basic question is often the most difficult. If you don’t know the destination, it’s hard to build any kind of real map. Obviously, while you’re on your journey to your destination, the end goal can maybe change. However, it’s also easy to just react to present feelings and situations, rather than make any long-term commitment. This creates stuckness, which can intensify the symptoms that you’re facing.
If you ask yourself what you want, and you identify that you don’t know, don’t give up. Instead, slow down and start thinking of possibilities. Also, look at your values. Are you connected with them and living in a way that reflects your values? Use this information to create life goals.
The Biggest Barriers to Doing Your Work
Wanting to just “be happy.” Who wouldn’t want to just feel the most comfortable of our feelings? All of our feelings give us important information. Learn about what feelings represent in your life and what action they tend to tell you to take.
Contradictions. We all can have contradictory beliefs. These can really get in our way and work to confuse you about what you want and what direction you should take.
Avoidance of vulnerability. You can’t make life changes and also take no risks. You have to learn where you can speak up, show up, and experiment with some recognition that you will fail at times.
Rigidity. “I want things to change, but also have no blind spots.” This type of perspective will derail you. You must accept that there are things that others may see and open yourself up to that feedback by lowering your defenses.
Ignoring the short term goals and changes. The future goals seem so much more glamorous. Short term goals can be even difficult to notice at times. However, they’re the meat of the whole thing.
It’s difficult to do our own work. It’s even difficult to identify what it even means to do so! Figure out what it means for you and you’ll find that the outcomes are much more meaningful. After all, you’ll be moving towards the life that you’ve always wanted to live.